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Bereaved

Lately I have been walking through the grief process with many of my patients. To often I am asked, "How should I grieve my loss?" or "How am I supposed to react or feel?" They have turned to me for guidance and understanding . For this reason I want to share a little with you of what I have come to know about this most personal and difficult time that we must all face.

Grief is a normal, natural process following a loss. With a traumatic loss, the process is more complicated. Like all grief, the experience and process of traumatic grief is different for everyone. Traumatic grief generally occurs when a death is: sudden, unexpected, violent, a suicide, homicide, or a catastrophe. A traumatic death shatters the world of the survivor. It's a loss that doesn't make sense as the family searches for answers and meaning... You need to give yourself permission to mourn. Postponing a confrontation with your feelings by filling each day with frantic activity will only delay and compound the grief reaction. It can be useful to remember that when one suffers a great loss, it is a sign of strength, not weakness, to be able to express emotions.

For some, the rituals of mourning provide an important beginning to the grieving process by giving social and spiritual support to the expression of despair. Some people are encouraged to vocalize their feelings, to weep, to grieve loudly and publicly at the funeral or memorial service. Others are expected to remain detached, to keep "a stiff upper lip," and wear a mask of composure. Or, you may be feeling surprisingly composed. You may have no strong feelings at this point. You may be in shock, numbed by your loss.

We tend to experience grief as we do other stressors in life. If you are an emotional person, you will feel strong emotions; if you are more rational, you will tend to rationalize or think through the grief. If you find comfort in being with people, you may find solace in being with others. If you are more introverted, you may find comfort in being alone or with just a few close friends who truly understand.

There is no one right way to experience the loss and adjust to life without the deceased. To lose your spouse, child, parent, friend, is to lose something of yourself. It is only natural to mourn such a loss. You may suffer emotions unimaginable in their intensity. But even though you are in agony, as terrible as it seems, your pain is healthy and appropriate reaction to loss.

In the initial days, weeks, and months, an individual may go from periods of numbness to intense emotions in brief time periods. In general, it takes two years or more for people go through the grieving process and adapt to a major loss. With a traumatic death, the time period may be longer. Over time, the intensity and frequency of painful periods diminish.

People may feel worse a year or more after the death. The numbness that helped to protect them in the early months is gone and the full pain of the loss is very real. Family and friends may have gone back to their own lives, and not be as supportive. Over the years, holidays and special family events increase the feelings of grief. When a similar traumatic event occurs, people may feel re-traumatized or that they are reliving their own loss. As these things occur and if the coping gets more difficult, it may be time to seek some counseling.

Common Physical Reactions

Numbness -Tightness in the throat or chest

Shortness of breath -Sensitivity to loud noises

Forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating

Agitation and restlessness

Because an event has occurred that is beyond one's control, people feel out of control. Regular exercise may help to control these experiences. Putting more structure into a daily routine will help one to feel more in control. It's often helpful to keep lists, write notes, or keep a schedule.

Common Emotional Reactions

Shock: The physical and emotional shock may be prolonged. Persistent memories or dreams about the event may occur for months. Talking or writing about it can help to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts.

Fear and Anxiety: Simple activities, like taking a shower, being in the dark, or opening a closed door, may cause fear or anxiety. This is a normal response, but if the anxiety prevents normal routine for a prolonged period, it's important to see a physician or therapist.

Guilt: Guilt over things done, or not done, regrets about the past, and guilt for surviving. Much of the guilt that people feel is emotional and not rational but knowing this does not help to alleviate those feelings. Forgive themselves for doing the best that they could at the time, for being human.

Anger: Anger and rage come from the feelings of helplessness and powerlessness one feels after a traumatic death and can be overwhelming for family members. There are many support and advocacy groups to help deal with the anger brought on in traumatic death.

My heart goes out to all of you who have experienced a loss this year.

In Peace and Love,

Charlene

Dedicated to Harley

Today is a good day to die.
Every living thing is in harmony with me.
Every voice sings a chorus within me.
All beauty has come to rest in my eyes.
All bad thoughts have departed from me.
I fear not this path for I am not alone.
I am at peace. I am home.

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